Pointless Life Ambition No. 21

To work on the defence team at the Effer World Sheep Dog Trials.

Stupid Word Tricks No. 1 **new feature**

I lost both my parentheses in a car accident.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 20

To read Don Quixote by Cervantes. It used to be "to read À la recherche du temps perdu by Proust", but as I'm already in my thirties, I thought I'd go for something I might actually finish before I die.

After that, Moby Dick maybe.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 6 - UPDATE

Since Garry Kasparov won't return my calls, I'm planning a Checkers challenge against Barry Kasparov. I'm feeling pretty confident.

I'd like to take this opportunity make another announcement. I hereby formaly challenge Deep Blue to a best-of-three Croquet match. (Yeah, you may impress those guys down at CERN with your calculations-per-minute, but let's see how well you do on the lawn.)

Pointless Life Ambition No. 19

To take on Steve Ballmer in a chair-throwing contest.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 18

To write the best darn ballad about the the life of Nicola Tesla you've ever heard.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 17

To observe Jessica Simpson take an IQ test for myself (you know how mothers can be).

Pointless Life Ambition No. 16

To find a typeface (font) that beats Verdana. No small feat.

(Also to get a bumper-sticker that says "My other blog is in Trebuchet".)

Pointless Life Ambition No. 15

To write the authoritative biography of my father*. Dad, if you're reading this, I'd really like to meet you finally. Maybe get a beer, and we can talk about why the hell you ran out on Mum and me, you sad bastard. Then maybe I can kick your ass from here to Sunday.

* Artist's impression.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 14

to own the first Jack Russell Terrier ever to be sent to space, orbit the Earth (at least twice, with a window seat - otherwise what's the point) and return safely.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 13

Ah, lucky 13. Who thought we'd make it this far, eh?

My current ambition is to have twelve kids, each eleven months apart. I'll name them after the month they were born in. That way I'll have a fighting chance at remembering all their birthdays (down to a couple of weeks).

("April can so be a boy's name".*)

* Scenes like this could possibly be avoided by using the month-names of the Icelanic calendar ("Einmánuður can so be a boy's name"). The only danger associated with this it the possible mistaken association with Björk.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 12

To write the authoritative biography the great inventor and humanitarian of Joseph Cayetty.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 7 - UPDATE

I've started to teach myself French. I am unlikely to ever travel to the Klingon homeworld. I might, however one day travel to France. Or Québec. Or French Polynesia. Or Belgium. Or a French Restaurant.

So far I've taught myself to say, "Can you please tell me the way to the train station?".

"Caan yu pleeze teel mee szee wey tu szee treen staszion?"

Pointless Life Ambition No. 11

To become a haiku master, then use my extraordinary ability to distil meaning into three short lines to break into advertising.

Dispair not of dirt;
An evening's soak in Gone™
Brings new hope to clothes

Pointless Life Ambition No. 10

To learn to bowl over-arm.

(Without leaving dents in the alley.)

Pointless Life Ambition No. 9

To live to be a hundred or die in the attempt.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 8

To find an efficient and cost-effective way of delivering pizza where the streets have no name.

(Larry - stop picking off the pepperoni. Leave some for the customers.)

Pointless Distraction No. 1

Skeptikos - philosophy scribblings by some guy with a thing for Davidson.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 7

To learn Klingon. Or French.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 6

Challenge Garry Kasparov to a game of Checkers.

("No, Gar, You can't castle. I know the board looks the same - trust me, you just can't.")

Pointless Life Ambition No. 5

To learn to play the glockenspiel (you know, to impress the ladies).

Pointless Life Ambition No. 4

To learn to speak Esperanto like a native.

Pointless life ambition No. 3

To reorganise my CD collection by case-height.

Descending, of course.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 2

To write the best darn two-chord song about the Second French Republic you've ever heard.

Pointless Life Ambition No. 1

To carve a chainsaw out of a cedar log using an eagle.